“And have mercy on those who doubt.” — Jude 22
For the Christian, doubt is normal. We experience seasons of doubt about the security of our souls. We doubt if there’s a heaven, and/or a hell, from time to time. We doubt the Canon, the cross and the credibility of all things unseen. Prominent Christians misbehave, and we feel a strong temptation to dissociate with them by dissociating with God and/or the church altogether. We all have Thomas-like tendencies, and it’s a broad spectrum.
For what it’s
worth, my wife and I sit at quite different points on this vast spectrum of
Christian doubt, with me on the more confident end. Sure, I have doubted my
faith at points in my life. I do not wear a cape. But God has been kind to give
me an abiding assurance that He is good, His promises are true, and He is bringing
all things to pass in His perfect time and wisdom. Most of the time.
Speaking of His
wisdom, God united me permanently to a wonderful woman who has, in recent years,
been severely dogged by doubt. She shrouded it for the first several years of
our marriage—tagging along on my theological journey with unquestioning
affirmation. We attended Bible conferences and retreats together. We sang duets
together. We read theology books together. We talked about spiritual things for
hours on end. There was no sign that anything was eating her. I was completely clueless.
Then in 2008, tragedy
shook the rafters of our relationship, and her insides oozed out. Our
8-year-old daughter’s sudden death was a kind of soul-deep explosion that turned
her affirming smile to an accusatory scowl. She began to indict the doctrines
she’d once affirmed. Safety, it seemed, was something she had always expected
from God. He had catastrophically let her down.
Tragedy shattered
her faith into unrecognizable fragments, right before my eyes. It felt like I
was helplessly watching a priceless vase fall off a table onto a tile floor.
If Elli’s death
was the explosion, my wife’s spiritual recovery since has been much like the 47
reconstructive surgeries for anyone who miraculously survives a blast. She lived.
Thank God, she lived. But holding her hand through this process (3 years and
counting) has been marked by slow, steady improvements punctuated by
discouraging setbacks and turns for the worse. It has not been an easy road
being at her bedside, nursing her back to health.
As one who has a
difficult time relating to chronic doubt, I first saw hers as a real downer in
our relationship. It embittered me, and I did not meet it with grace. To this
day, it can be a mountainous test of my patience and gentleness. I have not
been the perfect husband. My responses to her doubt have, at times, been heated
and condescending. Sometimes I want to hold her face in my hands and whisper,
“Will you just snap out of it?”
But God has been
working in me as much as He has been working in her. In my own shock,
embarrassment, guilt and anger, I have experienced grace that I never thought
possible. God’s grace has been sufficient, and has allowed me to spill it over
into her life.
In Jude 22, “Have
mercy on those who doubt” refers to people in the church to whom Jude was
writing who stood on shaky spiritual ground after the destructive influence of
false teachers. Forces from without had shaken the foundations of their faith,
and they had not made it out unscathed. They were still staggering around the blast site, spiritually disoriented from
their injuries. They were victims—yes, victims—who were still recovering from an
explosion. And Jude’s words are like pure gold: “Have mercy on those who doubt.”
If God brings a
person into your life who doubts—whether it’s your spouse, a close friend or a
fellow church member—treat their doubt like a wound. This is no self-inflicted
wound. It is probably collateral damage, shrapnel from a trial that has rattled
their faith somewhere along the way. Sometimes it takes a long, long time to
heal. Infections flare up and take you by surprise when you thought everything
was better.
Be sure of this: no
one enjoys their doubt. They want to work through it as badly as you want them
to. As odd as it may sound, sometimes silence is the best counsel you can offer
someone who struggles with doubt. Words—even well thought-out ones—often fall
short. Hug them. Tell them you are there for them, no matter what. And pray for them. We can’t try
to be their Holy Spirit and strong-arm their spiritual growth on our timetable.
Above all, be a
friend who is truthful yet tender, patiently waiting for God to work his good
pleasure in them. Love them unconditionally—and tell them you love them
unconditionally. Weep with them. And when the time is right, do a happy dance
and rejoice with them.
Or better said, “Have
mercy on those who doubt.” You will probably find that you grow as much as they
do in the process. It's just like God to work that way.
Without going into detail, I've experienced some of what you've described from both ends of the spectrum. I've been the one who thought "this is unfair to her...she married a Christian" and also the one who is confident while she struggles.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty and transparency as well as your wife's.